Atheists finally find God and put him on a trial. Now he has to defend his obsession with American sports and music while letting the rest of the world suffer. A Reddit Writing Prompt.
“Why did I communicate directly to Kanye West and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. while letting large swaths of humanity suffer? Is that the question, counselor?” asks God, leaning back from the microphone, stroking his beard in deep thought.
“Yes. Why, of all the people that you so carefully created, why did you select those two individuals as worthy enough to receive your direct guidance while letting billions starve and suffer?” snarks Clarence Darrow, the prosecuting attorney for the United Atheist Alliance.
“Well,” God starts, propping his right arm up with his left and resting his hand on the side of this face as he settles in to this now eight hour long direct examination, “see, I love dope beats and dope whips. Period. And when I created music, I just kept tweaking the formula until I got Kayne. I became obsessed with it for a while and like with anything else, when you focus on one thing too much, you neglect everything else that’s going on. I mean, I’m just ONE God. I created BILLIONS of you people and none of you decided to do anything about it. And if you’ll remember, back in the day it was rough going. The drum circles of early civilization were alright, but when you started to get into the classical music with the wigs and puffy shirts, it was a solid foundation, but it lacked what the kids now call ‘swagger’. So, I just kept making little adjustments here and there until I decided I would create someone who could bring them all together and that just so happened to be Kanye. Good kid, huh?” God smiles.
“With Earnie, which is what I call Dale Earnhardt, Jr. for the record, it was about guts. When I gave humans the ideas for cars, I gave you a great power. The ability to go faster than you should reasonably be going given your genetic make up. I needed someone who would push the boundary and live on that edge. It took an unbelievable amount of time because everyone that came before him either kept driving safe or died very quickly. The only problem with Earnie was that it took a lot of time to keep him in line. You wouldn’t believe what this guy wanted to talk about. He wouldn’t shut up about engines and feminism of all things. I had to sit there while he droned on about how third-wave feminism was marginalizing the experiences of minorities in inner-city communities. Fucking snooze fest. But, again, it came down to that swagger. You know, that’s how I wanted everyone to live their lives. If people in North Korea had swagger, they would have popped a cap in the Jong decades ago and started figuring out how to sell something to Chinese and Japanese. You see what I’m saying? And having Earnie drive so perfectly, well, most of the time…” the court chuckles.
God smiles and continues, “Yeah, having Earnie drive like such a badass, it bled over into the rest of culture where you started having athletes wanted to be ‘The Intimidator’. Man, what a great dude. RIP.”
“So, what you’re saying is, you spoke with Kanye and Earnie because they had ‘swagger’? And that’s why you let the world suffer, because you were trying to tell them the needed to live?”, Darrow says as he slowly walks towards the jury and leans against the railing of the box.
“Yeah. That’s part of it. I mean, the other reason is… You know, the other reason, man, you’re gonna get me heated,” God’s gaze starts to dart across the room.
“Tell ’em God!” a young woman shouts from the balcony.
“Order,” the judge retorts.
Anticipation mounts as God leans back in his chair, takes a deep breath and starts speaking with a rage that has been building for eternity.
“So, the other reason I chose to focus on those two and on music and sports in America in particular is that they were always giving me the credit, which is what I told ya’ll to do in the first place. Don’t get it twisted. The reason I let people suffer because they didn’t praise my name. Who’s the first dude Kanye thanks when he wins something? Me. Who’s the first guy Earnie thanked when he won a race? Me. If athletes and entertainers in other parts of the world would have been praising my name instead of just playing music, I would have blessed them. Instead, you get your shitting house music, booze made from potatoes and totalitarian governments. Praise my Holy name. Live with swag. Rock dope beats. Drive dope whips.”
The room is silent with only the sound of creaking chairs as people adjust in their seats.
Darrow walks slowly back to the table, turns to the judge. “I have no further questions your honor.”