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God on Trial – Talks Kanye West and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. (Writing Prompt)

September 3, 2015
God on Trial – Talks Kanye West and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. (Writing Prompt)

Atheists finally find God and put him on a trial. Now he has to defend his obsession with American sports and music while letting the rest of the world suffer. A Reddit Writing Prompt.

“Why did I communicate directly to Kanye West and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. while letting large swaths of humanity suffer? Is that the question, counselor?” asks God, leaning back from the microphone, stroking his beard in deep thought.

“Yes. Why, of all the people that you so carefully created, why did you select those two individuals as worthy enough to receive your direct guidance while letting billions starve and suffer?” snarks Clarence Darrow, the prosecuting attorney for the United Atheist Alliance.

“Well,” God starts, propping his right arm up with his left and resting his hand on the side of this face as he settles in to this now eight hour long direct examination, “see, I love dope beats and dope whips. Period. And when I created music, I just kept tweaking the formula until I got Kayne. I became obsessed with it for a while and like with anything else, when you focus on one thing too much, you neglect everything else that’s going on. I mean, I’m just ONE God. I created BILLIONS of you people and none of you decided to do anything about it. And if you’ll remember, back in the day it was rough going. The drum circles of early civilization were alright, but when you started to get into the classical music with the wigs and puffy shirts, it was a solid foundation, but it lacked what the kids now call ‘swagger’. So, I just kept making little adjustments here and there until I decided I would create someone who could bring them all together and that just so happened to be Kanye. Good kid, huh?” God smiles.

“With Earnie, which is what I call Dale Earnhardt, Jr. for the record, it was about guts. When I gave humans the ideas for cars, I gave you a great power. The ability to go faster than you should reasonably be going given your genetic make up. I needed someone who would push the boundary and live on that edge. It took an unbelievable amount of time because everyone that came before him either kept driving safe or died very quickly. The only problem with Earnie was that it took a lot of time to keep him in line. You wouldn’t believe what this guy wanted to talk about. He wouldn’t shut up about engines and feminism of all things. I had to sit there while he droned on about how third-wave feminism was marginalizing the experiences of minorities in inner-city communities. Fucking snooze fest. But, again, it came down to that swagger. You know, that’s how I wanted everyone to live their lives. If people in North Korea had swagger, they would have popped a cap in the Jong decades ago and started figuring out how to sell something to Chinese and Japanese. You see what I’m saying? And having Earnie drive so perfectly, well, most of the time…” the court chuckles.

God smiles and continues, “Yeah, having Earnie drive like such a badass, it bled over into the rest of culture where you started having athletes wanted to be ‘The Intimidator’. Man, what a great dude. RIP.”

“So, what you’re saying is, you spoke with Kanye and Earnie because they had ‘swagger’? And that’s why you let the world suffer, because you were trying to tell them the needed to live?”, Darrow says as he slowly walks towards the jury and leans against the railing of the box.

“Yeah. That’s part of it. I mean, the other reason is… You know, the other reason, man, you’re gonna get me heated,” God’s gaze starts to dart across the room.

“Tell ’em God!” a young woman shouts from the balcony.

“Order,” the judge retorts.

Anticipation mounts as God leans back in his chair, takes a deep breath and starts speaking with a rage that has been building for eternity.

“So, the other reason I chose to focus on those two and on music and sports in America in particular is that they were always giving me the credit, which is what I told ya’ll to do in the first place. Don’t get it twisted. The reason I let people suffer because they didn’t praise my name. Who’s the first dude Kanye thanks when he wins something? Me. Who’s the first guy Earnie thanked when he won a race? Me. If athletes and entertainers in other parts of the world would have been praising my name instead of just playing music, I would have blessed them. Instead, you get your shitting house music, booze made from potatoes and totalitarian governments. Praise my Holy name. Live with swag. Rock dope beats. Drive dope whips.”

The room is silent with only the sound of creaking chairs as people adjust in their seats.

Darrow walks slowly back to the table, turns to the judge. “I have no further questions your honor.”

Short Story: I saw a therapist once. I made her cry.

August 24, 2015

This is a writing prompt taken from Reddit.

I saw a therapist once. I made her cry.

I wasn’t quite sure what line it was exactly, but the typical 5 minute rage-filled monologue I just vomited up sent her straight in to tears. She was stone-faced, stoic with a stare that blows right past everything in the room and settles on something, someone, somewhere in another world. It is the loneliest stare I have ever seen.

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

She sat silent.

I fell silent, staring back at her in anticipation that her gaze would eventually break and she would simply wipe her tears and apologize like they do in the movies. But she just kept staring as a second tear careened down her left cheek and fell on her notepad causing the paper to wrinkle.

I glance at the clock and there’s still twenty-five minutes left in our session. I had some things I needed to get off my chest, but her trance was haunting. I started to study her for some kind of clue that she was ready to continue the conversation.

Her breathing was slow and purposeful, but for some reason she looked weighed down. Like she sat in the bottom of an hourglass that had already covered her shoulders.

I started thinking back to my opening rant but I wasn’t paying attention to her reactions while I continued to hammer on every little thing that pissed me off that week. I started to think back why I even started seeing a therapist. I couldn’t put my finger on it.

After a while I, too, got lost in the ethereal stare. My thinking became so fast that each thought ran together, one after another, after another until I found myself surrounded by a big dark cloud of all the memories and bullshit that’s stuck in my head every single day.

I was stuck, but instinctively knew the way out. I summoned up the courage and took the deepest breath my lungs could hold. I breathed in so hard I though my lungs were going to pop right out of my chest like a balloon exploding because someone forgot to stretch it out before putting air in it. I held it right there at maximum capacity and when I let go the cloud just floated away.

A few seconds later, the cloud clears and I’m standing on a breathtaking mountain top surrounded by the most spectacular scene I’ve ever laid eyes on. In that moment I felt at peace. I stared at that horizon, soaking up every last drop of this unimaginable beauty. Nothing else mattered. I hear a knock on a door.

I break my stare, gathered myself and began to wipe the tears from that had now soaked my cheek on my shirt sleeve. The doctor, still as poised as the moment I walked in, uncrossed her legs and took a tissue from the box on the table.

“Ah. Time flies… Is there something that we didn’t cover that you’d like me to follow up with?” she asked.

“No. Thanks, Doc. I will see you next month,” I replied, feeling more at peace than I had at another other point in my life. “Thanks for everything,” I said as I looked at her and felt a connection that flooded light on the deepest part of my soul that had never had a chance to see sunshine.

She smiled and replied with a knowing spark in her eye, “See you next month.”

To New Beginnings

May 17, 2015

I’m rebranding the site a bit.

It’s not going to be politics. I mean, I might get political every once in a while, but I am just going to blog about life. Thoughts, feelings, emotions.

Maybe it’s an ego thing, but the best thing about the internet is that only the people who really care about the community you are building are going to keep following, is why I like it.

And if at the end of this, it’s only me talking about my life for it to live on forever in the hard drives of the universe, I’m alright with that.